Many of us who have taken the Finishing Well class want to help our parents create their own Survivor’s Plan of Action. However, it is very hard to decide when and how to start this delicate conversation. The good news is now is a great time, and read on for some useful tips!
When
Any time can be a good time, but now, during the holidays, is a perfect time to start. Why?
Well, the family is usually together, and the conversations are longer. Of course it would be awkward to text your dad saying “Hey Dad…can you write down all your financial information so I have access to it?” – in most situations that is just a bad idea. Not just because it’s abrupt and impersonal but because, as a seasoned communicator, I know that being in person is really the best way to “know how to read the room”.
The holidays are perfect because there can be many times with just the two or three of you; after a good meal, during an early morning coffee, or my favorite, during a late evening whiskey…all can be a great times to start approaching the topic.
How
Suggesting to your parents that, “You really need to document your life’s details in case something happens to you” is a delicate topic; even if you end it with, “…and I would like to help”.
Here are some ideas on ways you could start the conversation in some meaningful ways.
Be Direct – Use a real connection as an example
Just say it. “Did I tell you my friend Greg’s father-in-law died? He’s a complete wreck. Not just because he’s grieving, but because he has to process his dad’s estate and he has no information at all. It’s been six weeks and he’s still searching for passwords, legal documents, and fighting probate. I’m really worried about that. Can I ask you something? Is your information organized in the event something happens to you?”
This reveals your vulnerability and most parents want to help their kids. It can also be a way to reveal specific elements from the Survivor’s Plan of Action that worry you the most. You can blame Greg (me) for bringing it up, and I give you permission to make up scenarios if it truly will help your family make progress.
Be Indirect – Approach like you need their help
This is the approach we chose. Was it being sneaky? Not sure, but it got the job done. This kicks in their parenting genes that always want to help their kids regardless of age. Something like this: “We are starting to fill out this “Survivor’s Plan of Action” workbook we received…it helps document financial and social deals about our life so if anything happens to us, a loved one can take over and shut down our life. And, well, we need help. Would you help us fill this in? Oh, and while we’re at it, you are welcome to fill a copy in for yourself”.
This is a way to bring them along for the ride, and doesn’t force them to do anything. At minimum, you will get farther on your Survivor’s Plan of Action, and once they see the value, they will want to fill theirs out.
Be Selfish
This is an approach I heard Suze Orman give. The idea is communicate that your financial security is linked to their well-being, and that, at some point, someone will need to step in and help your parents with their finances, medical decisions, and you would be honored to be that trusted person. Reinforce it’s not about what you inherit, or that you are snooping, but it’s all about ensuring your parents won’t have any financial issues in the future.
Now, while this is not always the case, many times the finances fall on the husband so if your dad is stubborn, talk to him alone. Be honest and say you are worried for yourself, and for your mom. Chances are if you communicate you are asking to be involved for the sake of you and his wife, he will soften up.
Final Thoughts
Regardless of how you get started, reinforce you are not trying to pry into their lives, but ensure their full lives, and the lives of their loved ones (husband, wife, kids, …) are planned out and prepared. You can even tell them you do not need to see any of the details. In fact, that could be the first thing you reinforce after introducing the topic: “All I want is that you have a Survivor’s Plan of Action in place…I don’t need to have access to it, but if we can work together on this, then I will own a plan of action that you can use if something happens to me, and you will own a survivor’s plan of actions that I can use if something happens to you.”
Good luck, and comment about how it goes!